BROUGHT TO YOU BY TRANS LIFELINE
Hopefully, after reading this, you’ll be able to answer them on your own.
Being transgender means your gender identity (your internal sense of being a man, woman, both, or neither) differs from the sex you were assigned at birth. This is completely unrelated to sexual orientation. Gender identity is who you are. Sexual orientation is who you love.
Nobody chooses to be transgender. It might seem like that because some people don’t come out until later on in life, but they are born that way. Like you, trans people tend to develop an inherent sense of what gender they are between the ages of 18 months and 5 years. But unlike you, it doesn’t match the sex they were assigned at birth. That’s why many trans people feel like the way society sees them doesn’t match who they know themselves to be.
Maybe you’re wondering,Why did they come out to me first? Or, Why did they tell me after everyone else? Don’t go down that rabbit hole. This is not about you. You’re being “invited in” to their identity at the time that was right for them.
It depends on your relationship with the person. Overall, take your cues from them. Some people are more comfortable talking about it than others. If they’ve brought it up, it’s okay to ask questions in a polite, respectful way.
Unless they bring it up, this topic is off limits. Gender identity is not defined by what’s inside your pants. It’s defined by what’s inside your brain. Asking about it gives the impression you don’t believe they’re the gender they affirm they are unless they have surgery. Plus, it’s none of your business anyway. 🙂
This is something you should clarify. They may not be out to everyone yet, and they probably have their own rollout plan. So it’s important to find out who you can and can’t share this information with.
We saved the most important question for last. Here are a few ideas:
If you only do one thing, this should be it. It’s critical to making the transition real for your loved one and showing you’re on board. Calling them by their former pronouns (especially in front of others) can set them back emotionally for days. It’s understandable that it’ll take some time to get used to. If you mess up, just correct yourself and move on. They’ll know you’re trying, and they’ll appreciate it.
In addition to a pronoun change, you may also need to master a name change. This is just as important because for many trans people, being called by their previous name (sometimes referred to as “dead name”) can feel even worse.
Son or daughter? Brother or sister? Grandson or granddaughter? It’s important that you use the right terms to match their new identity. It will be hard at first because you may feel like you’re losing a son/daughter/etc. But the truth is that you haven’t lost them at all. They’re the same person you’ve always known and loved, just more themselves.
It can be painful for your loved one to see old pictures that don’t represent who they are now and make them embarrassed or uncomfortable knowing that these photos can be viewed by other people. If you have photos of them on display (whether physically or online), ask how they feel and be prepared to take them down if they want you to.
Don’t turn your loved one into Google for all things trans – do your own research. You can start with us! We made you a list of amazing resources for trans allies (see below).
Talk openly with your circle and make it clear that you want your trans loved one to feel welcomed as their affirmed gender at all gatherings.
If you have a child who came out as trans, you probably have even more questions. Here are some great resources just for you: